Calling All Crofteers!: The Quest for the ?
by DJTch7
Summary: LONG OVERDUE UPDATE! (sorry 'bout that...) Kind of hard to describe. In short, it's a continuing story with multiple authors. Sheer insanity at Croft Manor! Read and review please!
1. Prelude

A/N: I uploaded this on behalf of the TombRaiderInc crew. However, I did not actually write any of it, aside from   
  
fixing a few grammatical/spelling errors. We don't own Lara Croft, Richard Thomas, or The Waltons, or Mr.Basil.  
  
This "Quest" originally appeared at www.forums.tombraider.be. Special thanks and kudos to everyone who   
  
contributed to it. Please keep your hands inside the ride at all times.  
  
"The Quest for the ????"  
  
By  
  
The TombRaiderInc Forum Members  
  
The Crofteers:  
  
Prelude, THE True Lara, Aquarius, Donmichael, Kitty, Dagger of Xian,   
  
Laramaniac, DKSM, TRChik, and of course, Lara Croft!  
  
Special Guest:  
  
Richard Thomas  
  
Croft Manor, early hours of the morning. A dark mysterious car pulls up outside, a single hooded figure emerges   
  
from the car and approaches the old oak doors of Croft Manor…  
  
A somewhat startled and disturbed looking Prelude opens the door…  
  
Figure: Morning!  
  
Prelude (Known as 'Lude from this point on): Is it? Damn it! I did it again…  
  
Figure: Excuse me?  
  
'Lude: Why, what did you do?  
  
Figure: Erm… nothing…  
  
'Lude: Are you sure?  
  
Figure: Yes!  
  
'Lude: Is this the kitchen?  
  
Figure: Erm… no.  
  
'Lude: Damn it! It's morning already and I still haven't found the kitchen!  
  
Figure: Erm… Lady Croft?  
  
'Lude: *shaking the figure's hand furiously* Luke Skywalker, pleased to meet you.  
  
Figure: Erm… you too, I guess…  
  
'Lude: Hang on a minute! You're not Lady Croft, you really shouldn't be throwing around wild insinuations like   
  
that, especially HERE, you know…  
  
Figure: I meant I am looking for Lady Croft. Does she live here?  
  
'Lude: Hmm… let me think…this is Croft Manor, who do you think lives here – Batman?!  
  
Figure: Well do you think I could see her?  
  
'Lude: I don't know, are you blind?  
  
Figure: No.  
  
'Lude: Well then why are you asking me? Sheesh!  
  
* 'Lude wonders off mumbling to herself*  
  
*shouts upstairs* Lara, there is some weird blind guy here calling himself Lara Croft and looking for Batman…  
  
Figure: *calling after 'Lude* Could you just tell her that.  
  
*Lara comes down the stairs* Why don't you tell me yourself and while you're at it, come up with a bloody good   
  
excuse why you have woken me up at this unearthly hour?  
  
Figure: Ah, Lady Croft, believe me - you are going to want to hear what I have to say.  
  
Lara: Oh really?  
  
Figure: Yes. I need your help on a very important issue - a lost artifact.  
  
Lara: *cutting him off* Perhaps you should come in, please.  
  
*Lara shows the way to the drawing room where Lude is sitting on top of a side table chewing a book and mumbling   
  
about the dark side of the force*  
  
Lara: Now, Mr.…?  
  
Figure: Richard Thomas. You may remember me from the hit TV series The Waltons and films like The Waltons   
  
The Thanksgiving Story, The Waltons Thanksgiving Reunion, A Waltons Wedding, A Waltons Easter, and Big and   
  
Hairy …  
  
Lara: No. What can I do for you? You mentioned an artifact…  
  
RT: Yes, a very old family heirloom. It has been in my family for centuries. It has been stolen - I would like your   
  
help to retrieve it.  
  
Lara: I see.  
  
*Just then The True Lara enters the room. She has her head in a Dr. Who book*  
  
TTL: I heard the door, tea anyone? *She never lifts her head from the book and automatically walks into the   
  
adjoining kitchen*  
  
'Lude: *jumping off the table* How does she do that? I've been looking for the kitchen all night. * 'Lude sits   
  
opposite RT and stares at him*  
  
Lara: You've met Lu…  
  
RT: Yes Luke Skywalker, we met, sort of, I think…   
  
Lara: *smiling* You don't get out much, do you?  
  
RT: No, I haven't been able to of late, you see I can't -I'm too ashamed to show my face in public these days, unlike   
  
you Miss Croft, I hear you are quite the adventurer.  
  
Lara: Well, I travel. Now about this problem of yours…  
  
*TTL enters the room, tray with teapot in one hand, book in the other, sits next to 'Lude and pours tea for all with   
  
head still in book*  
  
RT: Yes, erm, it's really very private and personal, can we speak alone?  
  
*Lara says nothing, just gets up, goes to the kitchen and brings back a fresh cream cake. She hands it to 'Lude and   
  
sits back down*  
  
Lara: We are alone, go on.  
  
RT: Erm …but they are still here *confused*  
  
Lara: Believe me, we are alone. TTL is far too busy with the Timelord, and 'Lude, well, all that exists in her world   
  
right now is her and that cake… but you had better be quick - I estimate you have about 30 seconds.  
  
RT: *waves hand in front of 'Lude and gets no response* Well, as I mentioned, this heirloom has been in our family   
  
for centuries. It was passed down from generation to generation and finally entrusted to me. Miss Croft, I cannot   
  
express the importance of this item! If my family were to learn that I have lost it, the consequences would be   
  
immeasurable! It is priceless and ageless, and a deadly archaeological artifact. It is thought to date back to the   
  
beginning of time itself…  
  
Lara: Go on, what is it?  
  
RT: Well, it's my…  
  
Lara: Yes!  
  
RT: It's my …mole…  
  
TTL: OH MY GOD!!! THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!  
  
'Lude: *wiping cream from her face* Let me guess, the Timelord just got his scarf stuck in the telephone box doors?   
  
TTL: No, we've run out of tea!  
  
'Lude: You're joking , right?  
  
TTL: No! If I were joking I would say something like… "A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'why the   
  
long face?"   
  
'Lude: OH MY GOD! You are serious! What are we doing to do? It's the end of the world, it's the end of the world!   
  
I always knew it would happen like this, you and me alone in this cruel, heartless world, with NO TEA!  
  
TTL: It's OK, I've got some more in the kitchen. I'll just go and get another pot.  
  
'Lude: Oh OK, I'll come with you, for it is a perilous journey.  
  
*TTL leaves the room, followed by 'Lude bouncing off the walls and spouting Star Wars quotes*  
  
Lara: Let me get this straight. You come here asking me to help you look for your mole-  
  
RT: Well, yes.  
  
Lara: I see. Remember when I said you'd better have a good reason for waking me up? Well, THAT wasn't good   
  
enough!  
  
RT: Wait! Miss Croft, please let me explain! I can't show my face in public! The humiliation is just too much, and I   
  
have been asked to do a reunion show for The Waltons, it's called The Waltons Reunion: A Waltons Story. I cannot   
  
refuse it - it's a chance to re-launch my career! I haven't worked for years *sobbing* and everything I have done has   
  
been a big flop, well apart from Big and Hairy which was an ENORMOUS flop!  
  
Lara: That's fascinating, but really, I think you have mistaken me for someone who cares…  
  
RT: *stops sobbing* I'll pay you…  
  
Lara: I'm not in it for the money, Mr. Thomas. I'm in it for the glory, and as you are an old has-been with the sexual   
  
capacity of a rotting rhino and the personality of wet lettuce, I will bid you good day. You know where the door is.  
  
RT: Miss Croft, I haven't been entirely straight with you. There is more that I must now tell you…  
  
Lara: Don't tell me you've lost your glasses as well!!!  
  
RT: Please, hear me out, this is no ordinary mole… it is the mole of the great ancients…What I am about to tell you   
  
has been kept a secret since the beginning of time. Only my family have had the knowledge of the mole's power,   
  
unfortunately it would seem that someone else has learnt of it's whereabouts, and now I entrust you with the secret,   
  
but you must promise never to reveal it to anyone else…  
  
Lara: Just hurry up!!!  
  
RT: It is not a mole at all, …..it is a radio transmitter for speaking to God!!!  
  
Lara: *laughs out loud* You are insane!!!  
  
RT: I speak the truth. Legend has it, the Ark of the Covenant, which is believed to still hold the Ten   
  
Commandments, renowned for its mysterious powers against the enemies of Israel, was said to hold the power to   
  
communicate with God, but the ancient text is wrong. The Ark was God's throne in His dwelling place in the   
  
Tabernacle. Most people associate the Ark of the Covenant with judgement and wrath, rightly so. The day is soon   
  
coming when God will judge the secrets of people's hearts and "the wrath of God is revealed from heaven upon all   
  
ungodliness and unrighteousness of people who suppress the truth" There was a cover on the Ark, known as the   
  
Mercy Seat, or Propitiation Cover. It was here that the blood of a goat was sprinkled by the high priest on the Day of   
  
Atonement, to appease God's righteous anger for the sins of the people of Israel-  
  
*Lara yawns*  
  
RT: *continuing* Attached to the Ark's covering lid were two Cherubim. God's presence did not dwell inside the   
  
box, but remained over the Ark, in between the two Cherubim. Here God dwelt "in unapproachable light". The high   
  
priest had to shield his eyes, because "no man shall see Me and live". This was where God met with Moses. The two   
  
Cherubim on the Mercy Seat represented God's glory. We are not told in great detail exactly what the Ark of the   
  
Covenant looked like. Some show the Cherubim kneeling. Other models show the Cherubim standing. What we do   
  
know is that the wings of the Cherubim were stretched out, to cover the Mercy Seat; the wings of the two Cherubim   
  
possibly touched one another to form a complete covering.  
  
Lara: Yes, a very dear friend of mine once claimed he had found it. Personally, I think he was just trying to score   
  
points with me.  
  
RT: But the Ark was just a container Miss Croft, a ruse to put people off the scent of the real score of power,   
  
contained within the Ark itself!  
  
Lara: Yes, yes I know all this, what's your point!?  
  
RT: History writes that the following items were contain within the Ark:  
  
1. The two stone tablets of the Law.  
  
2. Aaron's rod that budded,  
  
3. The golden pot of 'hidden' manna.  
  
But it does not mention the most important item, the item with the power of God itself: the Moleuisous of Mashal!!!  
  
Lara: The power of the Mole? Wait! I have heard of this…  
  
*Lara goes to a bookshelf and pulls out a book, she flicks through the pages. Meanwhile TTL and 'Lude have   
  
returned and assumed their previous positions of the sofa*  
  
Lara: Here it is. The Moleuisous of Mashal, said to be the key to all within, the key that would last forever. It is   
  
round, indicating eternal; it is brown, indicating the earth. The Mole indicates eternal life. Our life needs to be   
  
"hidden with Christ in God" and we need to know "Christ our life", eternal life. The Moleuisous of Mashal was a   
  
memorial of how the Lord had sustained His people in an impossible situation. Christ is real and applicable to every   
  
person in every age in every circumstance. Therefore He gave it the shape of the mole, to show that even in its   
  
ugliest form it was a part of all people. Then it goes on to say something about a Hair and a Tortoise…   
  
RT: Yes, that is the bedtime story, Miss Croft, but history leaves out the most frightening part of all. On it's own the   
  
mole, other than looking very attractive, is quite powerless, but when the mole is reunited with the Hair of Judah it   
  
gives it's possessor the power of God! Someone has learnt this disturbing news and I fear for the world, should this   
  
power fall into the wrong hands!  
  
Lara: My father once told me of a group of people called the Hairloomiarty, who sought to find the true power of the   
  
Arch-  
  
RT: Your father was a wise man.  
  
Lara: No, he was a silly old fool who kept popping up in my dreams…Anyway, when did you have the mole last?  
  
RT: I was at home. I had just received the script for the reunion show, I had had a drink to celebrate, but fell ill and   
  
went to bed. When I woke up it was gone! *reaches into pocket* Here is a picture of me and the mole, taken some   
  
time ago, but I think I have kept my good looks, no?  
  
Lara: No.  
  
RT: I have to go, the sun is coming up. I cannot be seen in the daylight without the mole! Miss Croft, will you help   
  
me?  
  
Lara: Yes I will, but only for the glory, you understand… I want you to know that I am not in anyway doing this for   
  
YOU, you sad little man.  
  
RT: Thank you, Miss Croft. You can reach me on this number. *He hands Lara a card* I hope you and your   
  
…strange friends have a nice day. Goodnight Mom…goodnight Mary Ellen…goodnight Johnny Boy…  
  
*RT leaves*  
  
Lara: Strange man…  
  
* 'Lude is now asleep and drooling, and TTL still has her head in her book. Lara throws a pillow at 'Lude and   
  
snatches the book out of TTL's hand*  
  
TTL: No! Not now! The cyber men were just about to …  
  
* 'Lude jumps up* Jam all over! Aww… I was having the most amazing dream, there was this huge…  
  
Lara: That's fascinating, both of you. Now assemble the Crofteers! We have a mission! 


	2. Aquarius

A/N: I've named each chapter after the person who wrote it just to avoid confusion regarding different writing styles.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, so don't sue.  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
It is the next day and the Crofteers begin arriving one by one on a cold and rainy morning at the Croft Manor. Aquarius is the first one to arrive after being summoned by the Lude signal in the sky.  
  
AQ: This had better be good a quest this time. I'm getting my AE clothes all wet! *shakes head* What a waste...oh well time to go blow off more money after this mission.  
  
Aquarius arrives at the door, and rings. The door opens and the Mission: Impossible theme starts playing.  
  
AQ: What the....  
  
He stands dumbfounded as 'Lude, dressed as a ninja for some odd reason, comes jumping over to the door doing all these fancy karate moves!!!  
  
'Lude: Wax on, wax off! You surrender now! Aiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!  
  
Lara: (coming up from behind) You never cease to amaze me ,'Lude, with your insanity. Here. Go bury your face in a Cherry Bakewell and beer.  
  
'Lude: Food food food! Beer beer beer! 'Lude goes running off still in ninja uniform to gorge herself with the cake and beer.  
  
AQ: (still standing in the doorway, completely dumbfounded by what he just saw) Well, looks like nothing has changed. So, Lara m'dear, what are we up to this time? Are we going to save the Iguanaphamockonopus?   
  
Lara: Ha. No. We're going to save you from that god-awful fashion sense of yours. Men.....  
  
AQ: Ha ha ha. We are not amused.  
  
'Lude appears again  
  
'Lude: (in a Darth Vader voice) Come to the Dark Side!   
  
AQ: Why? Why.....  
  
Lara: How on Earth did you get out of the cage again? Why doesn't TTL have you locked up while we're off on this mission. You know I got outright bloody pissed last time when you piddled all over my hardwood floors the last time I left you here by yourself.  
  
AQ: Anyway. 'Lude's bladder control issues are fascinating and all, but what are we up to this time? What are we looking for and where?  
  
Lara: Well.... 


	3. Donmichael

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*Cell phone rings*  
  
*Donmichael picks up the phone after ringing 20 times!  
  
Donny: You better have a good reason for-  
  
Lara: Donny?  
  
Donny: Oh! Lara!  
  
Lara: Did I wake you up?  
  
Donny: Yeah, but you can call me any time you want love!  
  
Lara: Don't go there again Donny. You remember what happened last time!  
  
Donny: Yeah, yeah I'll behave.  
  
Lara: Good, wouldn't like to kick you in the jewels a second time.  
  
Donny: Ok, enough with the painful memories thing, wassup?  
  
Lara: We have a new mission. Get your ass over here for the briefing.  
  
Donny: With the rest of the Crofteers or just you and me?  
  
Lara: Don't start!  
  
Donny: Just playing, Lara! Just have to get dressed and I'm coming over.  
  
Lara: Oh. And Donny?  
  
Donny: Yeah Lara?  
  
Lara: Clean up a bit will you? I wouldn't want people to think that my Crofteers are bums...  
  
Donny: Yes Lara, will do!  
  
*puts down the phone*  
  
*45 min. later Donny arrives at Croft Mansion*  
  
* 'Lude opens the door*  
  
Lude: Ah Donny, good to see you!  
  
Donny: Hiya 'Lude! How are ya?  
  
Lude: Same old same old...  
  
Donny: I brought you something on the way over.  
  
Lude: What What What!  
  
Donny: Here are some fresh doughnuts, dear.  
  
*Lude takes the donuts and quickly dissapears into a small room in the mansion*  
  
Lara: Donny!  
  
Donny: Lara, even in the morning you look absolutely fabulous!  
  
Lara: Have a seat while you wait for the others, I have some things to do.  
  
Donny: OK Lara, I'll just sit right here and watch a DVD or something.  
  
Lara: OK, but don't touch anything that looks expensive!  
  
Donny: No, no, no, I learned my lesson!  
  
Lara: OK, bye!  
  
Donny: Trust me, Lara, everything will be fine! 


	4. TRChik

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*TRChik sits at home by her computer and sees that she has gotten a new email*  
  
**reads the email from Lara Croft**  
  
TRChik: Hmm. I guess I have to pack for another Crofteer mission.... I hope this one will be able to be actually finished!  
  
*TRChik runs upstairs to get her backpack packed. And she makes sure to cook up some choclate chip brownies for Lude. After doing so, TRChik speeds to Logan Airport and gets 1 ticket to Hertfordshire, England*  
  
**8 hours or so later ....**  
  
*TRChik arrives at the Croft Manor, exhausted from the flight. She greets Donnie, Aqua, TTL, who's still reading her fascinating book, and Lara at the door.*  
  
Lara: Glad you could make it on such short notice.  
  
TRChik: You have to start paying for my flights.  
  
*from the distance Lude's voice is heard...*  
  
Lude: I SMELL BROWNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **sniffs air** mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm home made!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*TRChik hands 'Lude the plate of chocolate chip brownies.*  
  
TRChik: Only the best for 'Lude! So, Lara why am I here?  
  
*Lara fills TRChik in on the visit from Richard Thomas, the power of the mole and so on.*  
  
TRChik: Where do we start looking?  
  
..... 


	5. Prelude again and introducing TheDiva!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
A/N: New Crofteer! TheDiva makes her debut in this chapter!  
  
  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
The so far gathered Crofteers are in the sitting room. TTL is busying herself filling people up constantly with tea.  
  
Lara: TTL who are you still to contact?  
  
TTL: *producing a clipboard* Well still quite a few, I haven't had any luck with Beks at all!  
  
Lara: The last time I saw her she was up a tree in the garden somewhere...  
  
TTL: *scribbling on the clipboard* Thanks. Silly me, I didn't think to look there, more tea anyone?  
  
*Everyone groans* No thank you.  
  
TTL: Oh well... a scone then?  
  
*Just then 'Lude jumps into the room fencing with an invisible partner. She has a broom handle for her sword*  
  
'Lude: And now, worthy adversary, I am going to kill you until you die from it!  
  
*she spots the Crofteers*  
  
'Lude: Oooooo hello people, what are you all doing here? Are we playing a game? Oooo is it charades or shove pippy shove?   
  
*she squeezes on the sofa* Budge up budge up, who's first?  
  
TRC: No, 'Lude. We are going on a mission, remember?  
  
'Lude: Mission? Mission? What Mission?  
  
Lara: Oh Lord, here we go again. The mission I told you about only an hour ago!!   
  
*'Lude stares blankly*   
  
Lara: When I told you what we were looking for and you and TTL spent the next 30 minutes in a heap on the floor laughing?  
  
*Lude stares still blankly at TTL who is starting to laugh again*  
  
TTL: 'Lude, you know the thing about the- *starting to crack up laughing* You know, the mo- *can't speak for laughing* the mol- *now hysterical* the mol..  
  
Lara: THE MOLE, THE MOLE, IT'S A BLOODY MOLE!!!   
  
'Lude: Oh yeah I remember now, a mole!   
  
*'Lude and TTL are now rolling on the floor again, tears rolling down their faces. The others stare on in amazement*  
  
*Just then TheDiva bursts through the door, carrying at least 10 shopping bags and dropping boxes all over the floor*  
  
Diva: Hi ya all, sorry I came as soon as I could, but I was in the middle ofshoppingandtheyhadasaleonandtherewasthesefantasticshoesthatIjusthadtogetbutthenIneededabagtogowiththemthenIrealisedIdidn'thaveanytrouserstomatchandtherewasthistopthatIgotandajacketandwhatdoyouthinkofthisitwassuchabargain...   
  
*TheDiva begins to unload her shopping bags, pulling things out of them and showing them to everyone all the while never stopping to take a breath*  
  
10 minutes later  
  
Diva: ...andIhadtoruntomakeitbutIgottherejustintimeandgotthistogowiththetopandthistogowith theotheroneand I thought, that's great that is.  
  
Everyone: ...   
  
TTL: Erm... tea Diva?  
  
Diva: Oooo yes please, have you got any gin?   
  
____________________ 


	6. Laramaniac

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*Laramaniac has spent the past six months in the highlands of Scotland in seclusion perfecting her boxing and kung fu moves, shining her uzis, admiring her beautiful new wings, generally reflecting on life gone by, and waiting......................waiting.......................waiting..................Will Lara call the faithful bunch of Crofteers together again?  
  
Out of the blue LM hears the theme to Tomb Raider. She wonders whether the gin she consumed last night is making her hear beautiful noises......but no!!! It's the mobile phone - which can mean only one thing!!!!!! Lara is calling at last!!!!*  
  
LM: Hello, Lara!  
  
Lara: Hey LM! Hope the training has gone well - we are in need of your services, dear!  
  
LM: Say no more! I'm on my way!!  
  
*LM stuffs the final bottle of Gordon's, her mobile, a few bakewells for her old mate 'Lude, and a pack of Nurofen in her backpack, clips the uzis to her belt, spreads her beautiful new wings and plots in a course for Hertfordshire, namely Croft Manor!*   
  
*LM swoops through the open window of Croft Manor to land nimbly on the beautiful oak floors of the reception area. A few running steps to retreat the wings, which LM is still becoming accustomed to having. All of a sudden LM finds herself in a heap across the room, and after much banging and crashing, ripping and shredding, LM finds herself tangled amongst boxes, shopping bags, and the general mayhem of an 'after-shopping' trip. LM stands up, dusts herself off and detangles herself from the many shopping bags, thinking to herself - "Jeeeeeeeezus - TheDiva must be here already!!!!!!!"*  
  
*'Lude is there to greet her old friend.*  
  
'Lude: {{{{{{{{{[huggerz}}}}}}}} old girl, love the wings, bit of a sad landing though.........  
  
LM: {{{{{{{{{{'Lude}}}}}}}}}} Got the call, here I am, who else is ready for action????  
  
*'Lude leads LM into the library of Croft Manor.*  
  
LM: Ahhhhhhh, the Crofteers are arriving! The world will be put to rights in no time at all..........  
  
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{group hugz}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}  
  
*brings a tear to your eye - don't it!!!!*   
  
*Lara stands in the corner, wiping away just such a tear, looking upon her loyal friends with a deep pride!!!!!* 


	7. Kitty

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*Kitty sits in the east wing of her gothic castle hidden in the midst suburban jungle of Mayfair* Okay, okay.. It's an apartment.. But the décor ruuuules!!!!!!*  
  
Back to the story!  
  
*The room is dim, only lit by the half a dozen computer screens hooked up to various computers situated along the wall. Trillian goes "BLING"... It's the all-familiar MSN alarm that has been tripped again... A message window pops up. It's the 'Ludester! A short message scrolls past the screen: "You're needed for a mission of great importance. Rendez-vous at the usual place." 'Lude signs off before I get a chance to reply..*  
  
Kitty: Hmmmm.... She was being rather secretive. Either that or she hasn't been fed recently.. I'd better bring something or she'll try to gnaw my leg off again.  
  
*packs her backpack with the essentials:   
  
-Bakewells; essential when venturing into smelling distance of the elusive 'Lude!  
  
-Compeed; for those blisters on my paws.. Why can't the industry pick up on the need for feline boots with suction caps underneath??  
  
-Soviets; wouldn't be caught dead without them.  
  
-Emergency supply of grenades; can never have too many!  
  
-water resistant cat suit; as we felines don't like to get wet.  
  
*gets into her brand new car and zooms off to meet with the others.. Engages the warp drive turbo boosters to save time by using the Underground as it's rush hour*  
  
*taps a few buttons on the steering wheel to activate the cell phone that has been carefully integrated into the cars infrastructure to ensure safe driving*  
  
*rings.. 'Lude picks up*  
  
Kitty: L, it's K.. Open the gates, I'm coming in!  
  
*I hang up, as I careen around the corner out of the Underground, make a sharp left, dodge some police cars and vanish into the passageways that go beneath the mansion*  
  
*A deafening silence fills the room as I enter.. The threatening sight of a Kitty before her morning caffeine fix is something that demands respect. A chill passes through the room as the doors close behind me with a loud "thud" and a "clank"*  
  
Kitty: Really, Lara.. You MUST get those hinges fixed. The high frequency of their creaking is wreaking havoc on my ears.. You know how sensitive they are to disturbing noises..  
  
Lara: Nice to see you too!  
  
*tosses a few Bakewells from her back pack over to the hungry 'Lude in the corner before she attacks a leg. *Ninja stylee..*  
  
Kitty: I hear you have use for my expertise in subterfuge.  
  
Lara: Yes, here's the story so far..  
  
*later..*  
  
I say let's go get this artifact.. I haven't seen this much action in a long time!  
  
*strikes the pose, ready for action* 


	8. DKSM

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*The phone rings.*  
  
*DKSM, wallowing in his own feces after eating some "Meatloaf Suprise" finally gathers the strength to pick up the contraption.*  
  
DK: *sob* Hello...  
  
Other line: Would you like to accept a Collect call?  
  
DK: From who?  
  
Other line: Someone who claims to be, MJ.  
  
DK: Michael Jordan?  
  
Other line: In your dreams.  
  
DK: Michael Jackson?  
  
Other line: In his dreams.  
  
DK: Then who?   
  
Other line: I am not allowed to discuss that with you sir.  
  
DK: Well, I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'll accept.  
  
Other line: Ok, please wait while I transfer you.  
  
*while DK waits for the line to transfer, he ponders life and it's meaning, then realizes that sound is coming out from the other side of the phone*  
  
DK: Oh yes, I'm sorry. Hello there.  
  
MJ: Well, hello to you too.  
  
DK: Well, I'm paying for this, so who are you?  
  
MJ: Can't you tell?  
  
DK: Well, I thought you were either Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson, but the operator told me you were neither.  
  
MJ: Are we rhyming now? Do I look like a cow? Do I live in a shoe? Do I look like you?  
  
DK: I don't like rhyming you know, you know. I do not like it, no no no.   
  
MJ: Ok, enough of that. I have very important business for you.  
  
DK: And that would be.  
  
MJ: You must quickly make your way to the Croft Manor.   
  
DK: But, why?  
  
*click*  
  
DK: What the hell was that all about?  
  
DK: I'm not so sure...  
  
DK: Was that a sarcastic remark? Why you little..!!!  
  
*DK proceeds to have a fight with himself*  
  
*After some time, there is a knock at the door. DK opened it to see a package. There was no tag claiming who it was from, so that made it even more suspicious. Could it be a bomb? Well, he thought he should open it to make sure.*  
  
*There seemed to be 10 layers of paper that surrounded what seemed to be a box from the early 1900's. Etched on it were the initials B.O.M.B. DK thought this meant "Brown Oak Means Bomb". He decided that the box was definitely a maple finish, so it must be safe. As he opened it... * 


	9. Dagger of Xian

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.  
  
  
  
Calling All Crofteers: Quest For The ????  
  
*Dagger of Xian recieves a call on her cell phone, the beautiful cinematica tone reserved for Lara's calls.*   
  
Lara: DoX, get over here love, we have important business on hand once more.  
  
DoX: We'll finish this story.. and you guys won't leave me behind this time??  
  
Lara: Promise you that!   
  
*gets on the first flight to England, arrives at the Croft Manor tired*   
  
DoX: Here 'Lude, some cookies for you...  
  
*'Lude bounces off the walls once more.*   
  
DoX: Hello all! {{{ hugs }}} Now what's all this about?  
  
*Lara explains the mole deal.*   
  
DoX: A MOLE?! Riiiiiiiiiiiight... Well, I'm ready for anything... 


	10. THE True Lara

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
Meanwhile back at Croft Manor:  
  
Lara looks round at the assembled team thus far...  
  
Lara: Right, so does everyone know what we're looking for?  
  
TTL peeks over top of book at Lude, who begins to giggle.  
  
Lude: ...m..mmm... mo.....  
  
Lara: Yes, a mole, okay, a mole.  
  
TTL and Lude continue to snigger quietly.  
  
DOX: Do we have a starting point to look from?  
  
Lara: Finally! An intelligent question! Well, according to...  
  
Lude: ON HIS FACE!?!   
  
TTL: No, it's escaped from his face. That's why we're on the case.  
  
Lude: You mean it's slipped off or something when he wasn't looking?  
  
TTL: S'pose, moles are notoriously sly ...and cunning.  
  
Lude: You mean as cunning as a fox who was once Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but has now moved onto better things and is head of Cunning Planning at the UN?  
  
TTL: Could be so cunning you could brush your teeth with it, only that would be unhygenic...  
  
Lara: Lude, why are even asking? you were here...  
  
Lude: Oh no, you don't think it slipped down to...  
  
TTL: Where?  
  
Lude: *leans over and whispers*  
  
TTL: *listens intently* OH THAT'S DISGUSTING!  
  
Lude: You never know....  
  
TTL: Well, I'm not getting it back from down there, someone else can go. More tea?  
  
ALL: NO!  
  
Lara: *rolling eyes skyward* Look, I hate to break this up, but we already have a lead, and it's not related to any tea, or body parts!  
  
Lude: You sure? I could chop parts off, if they had to be... *swings broom handle around light-sabre style*  
  
*DOX, LM and TRchik all duck nervously as the broom handle narrowly misses them.*  
  
TTL: Carbonite! We'd have to freeze it in carbonite, or it'd go off before we got it home.  
  
Lude:*nods sagely in agreement*  
  
TTL: 'minds me of that time when we were in the war together...  
  
Lude: The Clone War?  
  
TTL: No, the other one...  
  
Lude: Over Macho Grande?  
  
TTL: No, I don't think we'll ever be over Macho Grande.  
  
Lude: Not with my drinking problem... *goes to down a beer, and misses, soaking her forehead instead*  
  
Lara: *sigh* *thinking quickly* Oh, erm, ....gracious me, err.... look out, ...Lude, the bakery's on fire! TTL, somebody's left the lid off the tea caddy.  
  
Lude: AGH!!! *leaps off the sofa and belts out the front door*  
  
TTL: Holy Mary Mother of God! *scrambles over the furniture in the direction of the kitchen*  
  
Lara: *noticing a rather worried looking DK* Don't worry, no doughnuts were harmed in the telling of that fib...   
  
Aqua: Is it safe now? *glances nervously around* So, to sum up, we're looking for an ex-Walton's all powerful mole?  
  
Lara: Correct.  
  
LM: Err, why? If it's all powerful, surely the last person we should be giving it to is an ex-Walton! Did no one learn from the re-runs on Channel 4?! *Looks around in desperation at a room full of blank faces*  
  
Kitty: I thought YOU never gave things back anyway?  
  
Donny: Yesss.... and what about that specially commissioned mole pedestal that's already set up in your trophy room?  
  
Lara: I've warned you about sneaking about down there.  
  
*Just then, having advanced the plot no further whatsoever because the author is trying to watch a Derren Brown DVD whilst typing..., the doorbell rings!* 


	11. Aquarius again

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Everyone rushes to the door, and simultaneously all trip over the rug. Well, because they're all just that dumb!*  
  
Lara: Bloody 'ell, not again!  
  
Lude: Again?   
  
Lara: Just open the door...  
  
*Everyone watches as Lude goes to the door. She opens, and sitting on the ground is a little package.*  
  
Lude: Now that's what I call a small package! I wonder what happens if I poke this thing on the box....  
  
BOOM!!!!!! 


	12. Laramaniac againwith special guest MrBas...

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*LM catches Lude as she stumbles backwards with the force of the BLAAAAAAST!*   
  
LM: Quick Kitty! Hand me the morphine drip!!  
  
Kitty: Here ya go..........  
  
*Kitty & LM insert the drip into Lude's arm, prop her into a comfy chair TheDiva has dragged over, and leave Lude for an hour's comtemplation in a land better than this.*  
  
Kitty: LM look........what do you make of that.......????  
  
*The gang look in the direction Kitty is pointing, noticing that the smoke is clearing from the small explosion, as the air clears a rather cute but intriguing little creature comes into view.............*  
  
TTL: Crikey! That looks like a................  
  
LM: It can't be surely...............  
  
Aqua: What the hell is it, anyway?????  
  
*TTL & LM look at each other, a look of total glee on their faces, the creature emerging from the blast has one thing to say..........*  
  
Creature: Boom Boom!!!  
  
TTL: Holy Mary Mother of God..... It's Mr.Basil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Basil: What the hell's with the wings LM old girl? I thought it was a tail you always wanted??? And where's my tea TTL??? It's been a long journey...........Lara, what's all this bloody nonsense about a mole......a mole??? Insufferable little creatures.......boom boooooooom!!!! 


	13. Aquarius YET AGAIN!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Meanwhile, all of the American Crofteers at the Croft Mansion sit in confusion over who or what is Mr. Basil*  
  
AQ: *Whispering* Jess, do you have any idea what they're talking about?  
  
TRChik: *whispering also* I haven't the faintest clue. DK?  
  
DK: *from behind the doughnut* Well, Mr. Basil dates all the way back to the Middle Ages of Medievil Puppetry...and I haven't a clue either.  
  
TRChik: It looks like a messed up kangaroo.  
  
DK: YOU look like a messed up kangaroo.  
  
AQ: *laughing his ass off*  
  
TRChik: *At the top of her lungs* NO, DK! I WILL NOT MARRY YOU! I DO NOT LIKE YOU LIKE THAT!  
  
*The other Crofteers, suddenly hearing the random and confusing Soap Opera developing, look up from the Mr. Basil thing and watch the drama thing unfold.*  
  
AQ: Jess, what in the world are you going on about?  
  
TRChik: And YOU!!! If you think I'm going to sleep with you.....  
  
DK: Haha, she wants to sleep with you. She only wanted to marry...me... Okay. Something is wrong with this picture! Why wouldn't you sleep with me? Is it the doughnuts?   
  
TRChik: The doughnuts! I loathe them! They cheated on me! They cheated...with...with the mole!  
  
Lude: The mole! What mole? Moley moley moley mole!  
  
TTL: Alright, sister! Just shove your face with food and be quiet, okay?  
  
Lude: Arr me matey! Oh wait. Wrong story! Rightio TTL-io!  
  
TTL: Now Jess, what is this about the mole?  
  
TRChik: Why do you keep calling me Jess? That's not my name!!!  
  
AQ: I think she's lost it finally!  
  
DK: She lost it a long time ago...  
  
Lude: No! That was me!  
  
*Just then, the real Jess emerges from the basement.*  
  
TRChik: You imposter! Guys, don't listen to that fake! She tied and bound me and then left me in the basement.  
  
Lara: *suspiciously* And why were you in my basement? Hmm?  
  
TRChik: That's another long story.  
  
Lara: Enlighten me. I'd be indebted with your life.  
  
AQ: Haven't you said that in one of your 'movies'?  
  
Lara: Maybe. Oh well! Please enlighten us Jess, or whoever you are...  
  
*Who is the real Jess? Did they really have one wild and passionate night with the mole? How much food can Lude really eat? Stay tuned to the Quest for the Mole to find out more confusing plot twists!* 


	14. Back to Prelude

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Meanwhil, amongst all the commotion the phone rings*  
  
Lude: Hello, Croft public house, wall to wall vomiting and broken furniture welcome. What would you like, and if you're buying, can I have a beer please?  
  
Caller: Lude is that you?  
  
Lude: Hang on. I'll just check...  
  
*Lude taps TTL on the shoulder*  
  
Lude: What's my name?  
  
TTL: Depends, what day is it?  
  
Lude: It's today.  
  
TTL: Oh well, it's me then.  
  
Lude: Thanks, *back to the phone* Yes, it's me.  
  
Caller: Lude, it's DK here... It's a terrible line on this end.  
  
Lude: Hold on DK, I'll just put someone else on the phone who is NOT about to pass out. *Lude hands the phone to LM* It's DK...something about having a lion up his end...  
  
*Lude then passes out*  
  
LM: DK? Why are you phoning us when you are in the other room?  
  
DK: I am not in the other room, I am here at home, in the Spam Palace!  
  
LM: No, you are not. You are in the other room! I can see you from here, you silly man!  
  
DK: LM, of all the things I am unsure of, this I can assure you, I am HERE not THERE!  
  
LM: DK, have you been drinking?  
  
DK: Of course I have! What kind of a stupid question is that?   
  
LM: Well, explain yourself!  
  
DK: I can't, not just like that! I'm a complicated person- it would take days to do that and even then I am not sure I could.  
  
LM: OK, well then, just explain what you are talking about...  
  
DK: Well...I got this call from someone called MJ telling me to get my butt to Croft Manor, then I get this package on my doorstep, which explodes and...   
  
LM: Don't tell me... Basil Brush was inside?  
  
DK: Who?  
  
LM: Hold on... I have to pass you over to someone who doesn't know you just said that!  
  
DK: Oh for God's sake! Will someone listen to me???  
  
*LM hands the phone to TheDiva who doesn't even ask who is on the other end*  
  
TD: You will never believe the bargains I got today, I got.....  
  
*15 minutes later*  
  
DK: Diva please can I talk to someone else before one of us dies!  
  
TD: Sure thing hon, hold on...  
  
DK: Who is this now and what the hell is going on there?  
  
TTL: It's TTL, who is this?  
  
DK: Ah! At last! Someone who will listen! TTL? It's DK here.  
  
TTL: DK! Why are you ringing when you are in the other room?  
  
DK: Not this again... Just listen to me, whoever that is there it is NOT me. I am leaving to come over there - I have something to tell you all....  
  
*silence*  
  
DK: Hello? Hello?  
  
TTL: Yes I'm still here, I was just building the tense moment.   
  
DK: Well, it worked... I think I soiled myself.   
  
*click*  
  
*TTL rejoins the mayhem in the other room*  
  
Lara: Who was that?  
  
TTL: Oh it was just DK. He is on his way over...  
  
*DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN*  
  
*The Crofteers all look towards the DK standing in the hall with a doughnut sticking out of his ear..*   
  
TTL: More tea, anyone? 


	15. Laramaniac strikes again!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Suddenly Croft Manor is plunged into darkness, the kind of pitch black that can only be compared to a black hole...................  
  
There isn't a sound.  
  
Each Crofteer holds their breath...........  
  
listening........   
  
straining to hear every sound..........  
  
There is the sound of a striking match, and just as suddenly as the darkness arrived it disappears..................  
  
Lara illuminates the hall with a trusty flare.*  
  
Kitty: Crikey! What happened to DK or whoever the hell he was?????  
  
*The Crofteers all turn their attention immediately to the place where DK or whoever the hell he was - was standing. Nothing remains, apart from a doughnut on a stick and an envelope.*  
  
LM: It's addressed to Lara!!! 


	16. DKSM Returns!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*The Crofteers huddle to open the letter, not caring that it isn't addressed to them. While attempting to read it, a big wad of drool from Lude falls onto the paper, causing it to become illegible.*  
  
*In unison*  
  
All: What the bloody hell are we gonna do now?  
  
Kitty: To the catmobile!  
  
*Dun nu nu nu nu nu nu nu ....Catwoman!*  
  
LM: Erhmm, dear....I'm sorry to break this to you, but you don't have a catmobile.  
  
Kitty: Oh of course! Ruin a Kitty's dream! How could you!!?!??   
  
*Kitty goes storming out*  
  
TTL: Very good, LM. You successfully ruined one person's day.  
  
LM: Oh please, like you're doing much better.  
  
Lude: *while drooling* Well, LM, she kind of is....  
  
LM: OH, YOU! Don't even let me get started!  
  
Lude: What did I do? I can't control where my drool goes...  
  
TTL: Now now ladies, calm down. You all need to work together.  
  
TD: And who died and called you perfect!?  
  
TTL: Calm down. We can all work this out.   
  
TD: No, we can't work this out, but I think I can work that jaw of yours in!  
  
*Aqua, out of nowhere, decides to join in*  
  
Aqua: Ohhh, snaaaap!  
  
Lude: And why be you tawkin' all ghetto?  
  
Aqua: Yo, Michigan is ghetto fabolous. Sheezy 'fo cheezy, ya hear?  
  
TD: Don't be talking to my girl that way.  
  
LM: Yeah, you got no right.  
  
TTL: Well, actually, he does have the right...  
  
LM, Lude, TD: SHADDUP!  
  
TTL: Ok, ok. Aqua, you have..nuu...nuu....nuuuuhhhh....nuuhhhhooooo....  
  
LM: Come on, you can do it.  
  
TTL: I'm trying, I'm trying!  
  
TD: Harder, harder!  
  
Lude: Diva, he won't be here for another half an hour.  
  
TD: I know. Just getting ready.  
  
TTL: nuuuhhooooooooo....riiii.....  
  
meanwhile, DK is en route to... 


	17. TRChik and her evil twin

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*meanwhile the 2 TRChik's are bickering in a corner of Lara's lovely living room.*  
  
TRChik1: Listen bitch, I don't know who you are, but I know who I am. and you aren't me! Because I'm me!!!  
  
TRChik2: No! I am me, so you can't be me!!!!!!! You're the evil one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TRChik1: *thinks for a moment.... * Okay, well I may be somewhat evil , but you are the bad guy!  
  
TRChik2: .............. ohhh you did NOT just call me a guy!!  
  
TRChik1: I'll call you worse!!!!!!  
  
TRChik2: ..... WHORE!!  
  
TRChik1: SLUT!!!!!!!!  
  
*TRChik2 slaps the other TRChik across the face*  
  
TRChik1: Ooooohh no, she's slapped me!! *punches TRChik in the stomach*  
  
*TRChik2 leans over. She has the wind somewhat knocked out of her*  
  
*...a few of the Crofteers hear the commotion in the other room...*  
  
Lude: JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Aqua: FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DK, or whoever he is [w/ the donut still sticking out of his ear]: I CALL! I GET TO BE THE REF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TRChik2: YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!  
  
TRChik1: I don't think so.  
  
*TRChik2 attempts to take a swing at TRChik1 but she ducks out of the way.*  
  
TRChik1: That all you got?!  
  
*The two TRChik's start a brawl in the middle of Lara's lovely living room. Which is the real TRChik?! And will anything of great value be broken!?* 


	18. Kitty sharpens her claws

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
Kitty: I don't know about you lot, but if we're to find this totally uninteresting thingamabob, shouldn't we perhaps get moving already?? Or are we just going to plod around in this unpalatable stew of nonsense while the poor mole-less bloke sits around waiting??   
  
Let's go kick some butt!!  
  
*Pauses for a second, but the only response is a flying doughnut coming from Lude's general direction... As she's not the one to waste precious calories, it can only mean one thing: SHE'S SERIOUS!! *  
  
Lude: Shut it you! Can't you see we're in the middle of a political debate??  
  
LM: YEAH!! We're planning for world domination! oops.. did I say that out loud??  
  
Lude: Dunbass!! You comprimised our plan! *flicks LM's hair*  
  
LM: OI!! OI!! OI!! Less of it!! You're really doing my head in now!!!!!!!  
  
*TTL steps in and slaps a custard and cream pie in each of their faces.. The bickering ceases instantly.*  
  
TTL: There, that should keep them busy for a while..   
  
*Kitty heads for the kitchen to make a batch of curry while waiting for the others to suss it out.. Singing "Lookin' for some hot stuff baby tonight..." at the top of her lungs...* 


	19. Dagger of Xian, plus something gets brok...

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
DoX: Don't tell me we are going to end up standing here and not doing anything for three months like the last time!  
  
Lara: We should get a move on..   
  
Donmicheal: What about the TRC fight?????*drools*   
  
Lude: I KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS!!!!  
  
Both TRC's stop fighting.*   
  
Lude: Now, whoever figures out the number that I'm thinking of is the REAL TRC!  
  
TRC #1: 4!  
  
Lude: Nope.  
  
TRC #2: 89!  
  
*...this goes on for an hour .....*   
  
Aqua: Did you forget the number, Lude?  
  
Lude: Sorry love, what were we doing?   
  
*everyone groans*   
  
Lara:ARGH!!!!!! Can't you all stop acting like fools???? *pulls out her pistols and shoots straight up, breaking the chandelier. Everyone ducks.* Now listen .....we must get started! 


	20. Laramaniac gets things going!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*LM looks at DoX... Suddenly there are pieces of chandelier all over everyone!!!*  
  
DoX: Come on then! Are we gonna hit the road or what peeps?  
  
LM: Yeah, what DoX said....  
  
Lude: Road? What road? Are we hitting someone? Did I miss it??  
  
TTL: Tea, anyone?  
  
Everyone: NOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
*Will the gang ever move? Will Lude ever catch up and remain so? Will the bloody mole ever be found???* 


	21. Santa, erDonmichael and his bag of toys

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
donny: Right, we should get going. Oh, I almost forgot! I brought some of my toys with me!   
  
*takes out his big black bag of toys*  
  
donny: Here's the spaz gun, the shotgun, the silent gun, the samurai sword, the sniper rifle, my Uzi...  
  
*pulls out a really long bullwhip*  
  
donny: Oops! How did that get in there? *grins sheepishly* There are a few flashbangs and several grenades too, but we have to get going now. Shall we? 


	22. DKSM and a movie

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Due to some weird rift gate, everyone ended up in the same place at the same time except Aqua, who got stuck in the middle of a Persian Carpet Gallery in Persia. Obvious? I think not!*  
  
DK: So so so, what shall we do do do?  
  
Lude: First stop talking that way. Next, we find mister moley mole mole.  
  
LM: And where be he?  
  
Lude: He be here.  
  
*Lude whips out a map. At the bottom it says, "Part of the Tinker Toys Treasure". Also, a golden paper falls out. She quickly reaches and picks it up and stuffs it back in her pocket.*  
  
TTL: Lude, are you sure that is the right map?  
  
Lude: Don't question me! There IS a method to my madness!  
  
LM: Well, I for one think Lude does know where to go.  
  
DK: Erhmm, Lude, what is that golden paper you dropped with the map?  
  
Lude: Oh, nothing...  
  
LM: Are you hiding something from us? The Crofteers don't keep secrets!  
  
Lude: Ok, ok. This is the golden ticket to go see Milly Monka and the Mole Factory tomorrow at 5. I was gonna go.  
  
LM: Oh, ok then, well...yeah.  
  
DK: Wait, that is perfect!  
  
TTL: What, LM's sentence? Actually it was the opposite of perfect. Look at all the grammar errors!  
  
DK: No, not the sentence, the ticket!  
  
Lude: Why? You like Milly?  
  
DK: Mole Factory!!  
  
Lude: Yes, I know what the ticket says. I'm not dumb.  
  
DK: Moley mole, Mole Factory. Do you get it??  
  
*The Crofteers go in a group and discuss...* 


	23. Donmichael and the REALLY SHORT CHAPTER!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Donmichael packs all of his guns back in his bag.*  
  
donny: So off to the mole factory it is! Is it?  
  
Lara: So it seems...  
  
donny: Looks like Lude's madness pays off.... 


	24. Prelude shocks everyone!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Just then Aqua walks back in from Persia with a Persian rug rolled up under his arm.*  
  
Aqua: OK...so that was weird, still got a right bargain though *he rolls the rug out only to find Lude rolled up in the middle of it*  
  
Aqua: Huh? How did that happen?  
  
TTL: It's best not to question these things.   
  
*The Diva is now inspecting the rug and commenting on how much of a bargain it was*  
  
TRC: Hey where did the other me go??  
  
*The gang look round and shrug*  
  
TRC: Ha! I knew it! Chicken! She knew she couldn't beat me, so she did a runner! *stands proud, hands on hips*  
  
Aqua: But how do we know you're the real TRC?  
  
TRC: Oh shut up!  
  
Aqua: Good enough for me...  
  
*Lude is now doing chicken impressions around the room.*  
  
DOX: Hey! The other DK has gone too!  
  
Lara: Hmmm... There's something fishy going on here.  
  
*Everyone looks towards Kitty, who has a fish tail sticking out of her mouth*  
  
Kitty: Hey don't look at me... a Kitty's gotta eat!  
  
Lara: And I am not talking about Kitty's dinner!  
  
*Everyone looks at Lude*  
  
Lude: Hey don't look at me, I had a bath this morning!  
  
Lara: Anyway, it seems there is not much more we can do tonight, so I say we settle down and start in the morning. I'll give everyone a wake up call at.. let's say.... 7am.  
  
*Everyone groans except Lude, who is now paranoid that she smells of fish and is smelling herself*  
  
Lara: OK, OK, 7.30 then. Everyone be ready to go raiding! Have your backpacks ready and we will set off for Milly Monka's Mole Factory!  
  
Donny: *proudly* I've packed mine already!  
  
LM: *tentatively* Just a question, Lara... If we don't have to be there until 5, couldn't we just all have a lay in, then some breakfast and set out leisurely?  
  
Lara: *matter of fact* We are Crofteers, we don't DO leisurely!   
  
LM: *not wanting to let this one go* Yeah... but breakfast, Lude you'd be up for breakfast right?  
  
Lude: Huh??? Oh, no thanks - I'm not hungry.  
  
  
  
*huge gasp by all the Crofteers as they all freeze and look at Lude*  
  
TTL: Ha ha *nervous laugh* Yeah good one Lude, not hungry ha ha...  
  
Lude: No, really! I'm not hungry!  
  
  
  
*even bigger gasp*  
  
TTL: Naaaa! Stop it now, it's not funny!   
  
Lude: I wasn't trying to be funny. I think I will retire to bed, I feel really sleepy actually...  
  
TRC: But...but...but it's not even midnight!  
  
TTL: She's just having us on. *elbowing Lude* Go on Lude, burp, or drool, or do something stupid, you know, like you always do...  
  
Lude: Have you all gone mad? Why would I do that?  
  
TTL: *now vigorously shaking Lude* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SISTER!!!!  
  
*Just then Lude comes bursting through the door in a bath robe, she spots the other Lude and exclaims..* Cool!!! Another one of me!!! Now I can sleep with myself... I've always wondered what that would be like!!  
  
*TTL runs, arms stretched out, over to Lude and gives her a big hug* Only my sister could say something so disgusting!  
  
Lara: *pulling pistols and aiming at the other Lude's head* Right you, sit down and SHUT UP! *Impostor Lude obliges* Now tell us who you are and what you're doing here!  
  
Aqua: Erm, how is she doing to do that when you told her to shut up?  
  
Lara: Be quiet!  
  
Impostor Lude: It is true I am not the one you called Lude. *turning before their very eyes into TRC*  
  
TRC: *flying across the room fist of fury at the ready* Let me at her!  
  
*But before TRC gets there, the Impostor TRC turns into DK*  
  
Lara: Right, that's enough! Who or WHAT are you?  
  
Impostor DK: I am a Nephilimillion  
  
DOX: A what?  
  
Impostor DK: A Nephilimillion  
  
DOX: Yeah! That's what I thought you said. So what's one of them, then?  
  
Lara: Someone who can change his or her form, right?  
  
N: Correct *changing into Lara*  
  
Lara: *pondering for a moment* You work for the Hairloomiarty?  
  
N: Correct again, the people of the hair...  
  
Lara: So you stole the Mole!  
  
N: NO! We did not! We don't know who stole the Mole, but we believe it should not be returned to Richard Thomas!  
  
Lara: Why?  
  
N: Because he is an idiot!   
  
Lara: Fair point, so you come here to try and sabotage our mission ....and stop looking like me!  
  
N: *changing back into Dk* Correct again Miss Croft, but quite frankly now that I have seen you and your... pathetic band of followers, I fail to see why we were concerned at all!  
  
Lara: *raising pistols again* Hey you! Just because we haven't managed to successfully finish a quest in....  
  
*leaning towards TTL*  
  
TTL: *whispering* 6 months.  
  
Lara: ...6 months, doesn't mean we aren't going to finish this one!  
  
Lude: *loudly and forcibly* Yeah! *then quietly* Erm, could you turn back into me again? That was cool!  
  
N: No.  
  
Lude: Ooooooooooooooooooooo! *does hand bag gesture*  
  
Lara: Alright, then. A little bet is in order, I think.  
  
N: Oh PLEASE, you are no match for the Hairloomiarty! Our cult is as old as the Mole itself! For centuries we have been-  
  
TRC: *cutting him off* Blah blah blah. So you won't be opposed to a little competition then, will you?  
  
N: I suppose it COULD be amusing...   
  
Lara: Right! OK then, here's the deal: if you find the Mole first, then you get to keep it. If we find the Mole first, then we get to keep it and you don't bother us again. Get it?  
  
N: Sure...OK...  
  
Lara: Annnnnnnnd YOU don't interfere with our quest anymore!  
  
N: *pausing for a moment* Alright. *smugly* It's a deal.  
  
Lara: Good. NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!  
  
*The Nephilimillion gets up and leaves*  
  
Lude: I guess this means I won't find out what it's like to sleep with myself, then.   
  
TTL: *consoling her* No dear, you won't...  
  
Lara: OK gang, we're not gonna let them beat us are we?  
  
All: No!  
  
Lara: Good! That Mole is as good as mine!!!  
  
TTL: Erm....erm....  
  
Lara: I mean OURS.  
  
DOX: But what about Richard? Aren't we supposed to return the Mole to him?  
  
Lara: Bollocks to that! Besides, I don't think I could bear another Waltons reunion film!!!   
  
Lude: Hey, maybe we could just give him an eyebrow pencil instead!   
  
TTL: Yeah, let him draw one on!   
  
*Just then there is a knock at the door. All the Crofteers run to the door. They open the door to find DK standing there! Lara pulls her pistols again, Donny pulls his samurai sword, LM flaps her wings and pulls out her Uzis, DOX pulls out a shotgun, TRC pulls out her fists of fury (complete with boxing gloves!), TTL whips out a Doctor Who book and raises her eyebrow, Kitty sharpens her claws, Diva lifts up a shopping bag, Lude produces a banana from nowhere, and Aqua flips out his college acceptance letter!!! DK stands there, dumbfounded by the array of weapons in front of him.*  
  
Lara: I thought I told you to get off my land!  
  
DK: I just got here!  
  
Lara: DK? Is that really you?  
  
*DK holds out a freshly baked bag of donuts*  
  
Everyone: IT'S DK!!!!! *group hug ensues*  
  
DK: *Gasping for breath* So I guess I missed the other me then..?  
  
TRC: Yeah. He just left.  
  
DK: Damn! Well I think I worked it out, he is a-  
  
*in unison* Nephilimillion!!!  
  
DK: Oh.   
  
LM: Yes, we know.  
  
DK: So what's the plan?  
  
Lara: The plan is we get some sleep, then all head out to the Milly Monka Mole Factory in the morning.  
  
All: YAY!  
  
*The Crofteers all say their goodnights and head off to their prospective rooms, except Lude, who managed to steal the bag of donuts during the group hug and has disappeared to some dark corner to eat them.*  
  
*As the lights dim at Croft Manor, the gang prepare themselves for the quest ahead....*  
  
TRC: Good night Dagger, good night DK.  
  
Aqua: Good night TRC, good night LM.  
  
Lude: Good night John Boy! HAHAHAAHAAA!!!!   
  
TTL: HAHAHAHHAHAHA!   
  
Lara: SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!.. Donny! Get back in your OWN room!  
  
*door slams* 


	25. Aquarius vs the chandelier!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*Nighttime settles upon the Croft Manor. It is close to midnight...*  
  
Lude: Do I smell food?  
  
TRChik: You ALWAYS smell food.  
  
Lude: I do not smell like food!  
  
TRC: I didn't say you did!  
  
Lude: Well as long as we are clear on that...  
  
Lara: For once Lude is right about something! I smell food too.  
  
All: Lude is right?   
  
Lara: I know...I'm scared too.  
  
TTL: According to my advanced olfactory perception, the waft seems to have the scent of poultry lightly simmering in distilled grape juice with alcohol.  
  
Lude: I don't know what that meant, but I like it! It has alcohol!  
  
AQ: Basically, it's chicken in a wine sauce.  
  
Lude: A boy! A boy! There's a boy in the girl's room! Out Out! Out damn spot out!  
  
TTL: You're reciting Shakespeare now?  
  
Lude: That what shaking spear thingy?  
  
AQ: I think we've been Luded...  
  
DK: Hi! I'm here too in the girls room now! Donut party crashers!   
  
Lara: Good for you DK...what was that? We've been luded?  
  
AQ: Yeah, all the snacks are gone.  
  
Lude: I swear it wasn't me! Smell my breath!  
  
*Everyone goes up to Lude and smells her breath.*  
  
Lara: She's right, I only smell alcohol on her...  
  
DK: Hey... anyone else notice that TTL has disappeared?  
  
Lude: I told you! I didn't eat anything! I'm only drunk off my ass!   
  
*At this point, Lude starts eating something that looks like an arm in the dark.*  
  
AQ: Lude! What are you doing?!?!  
  
Lara: Let me get the flashlight. *Lara turns on the flashlight.* Oh, it's only a sandwich.  
  
LM: Where did you get a sandwich?  
  
Lude: Oh, Winston brought it up.  
  
Lara: But, Winston is on vacation!   
  
Lude: Well, let bygones be bygones!  
  
DK: Shouldn't we be trying to find TTL?  
  
Lude: Oh yeah!! *Lude pulls out an explorer hat and map from out of the middle of nowhere.* Onward explorers onward! I am the famous Captain Lewis!  
  
AQ: *Joining in* And I'm Captain Clark!  
  
Lude and AQ together: We're the famous explorers! Onward! Onward to glory and plundering TTL! ARRR!!!  
  
TRC: They've both lost it....  
  
DK: That happened awhile ago...  
  
Lara: AQ kind of shocks me though!  
  
TRC: Not me....   
  
LM: Umm...anyone else notice that they left already?  
  
*The Crofteers go out in the main entrance to find Lude and AQ swinging around on the chandelier.*  
  
Lude: Ah-ha! I've caught the dastardly little fellow! You thought you could get away!  
  
AQ: No! I caught the dastardlyish person thing it!   
  
Lara: You both are morons...those are CHANDELIERS!  
  
AQ: Then how do you explain THIS?   
  
All: *gasp*  
  
*Lara shines her light and in AQ's hands is none... other... than... Richard Simmons!*  
  
DK: *eating donut* Good thing TTL isn't here, she'd freak!  
  
RS: TTL....I enjoyed eating her to the oldies!  
  
Lude: NO!!!!!!!  
  
TTL: Hey guys. What's going on? No....it can't be....  
  
RS: Oh but it is!   
  
TTL: Niieaaahhgaasdgasdg! DIE DIE DIE!!!  
  
*TTL goes into a blind murderous rage....But just then, lightning strikes from the storm. The power goes out with a loud CRASH! When the electric candles come back on, the chandelier AQ was standing on is broken and he is lying on the ground unconscious. Simmons is nowhere to be seen!*  
  
TTL: NOO!! He's gone! He escaped from me again!  
  
RS: *from somewhere within the house* I've got your mole!  
  
Lara: The mole has been in the house the entire time?!  
  
Lude: AQ! Man down! Man down! Everyone hurry! Must save him....hey wasn't there food?  
  
*Lude jumps off the chandelier, disappearing into the dark below in search of food in the kitchen. A scream is heard from somewhere down there...*  
  
TTL: Lude!   
  
*The Crofteers rush off down the steps to the kitchen to see what has happened. AQ is left unconscious on the stairs. A mysterious figure dressed in black comes out of the darkness, steals AQ and the rug, and disappears through a door leading down into the basement. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen....* 


	26. Dagger of Xian: When Vegetables Attack!

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
*The Crofteers have gathered to find the source of the noise. Upon entering the kitchen, LM reaches for the light, which flickers on - revealing an empty cookie box and Lude lying on the floor next to it!*   
  
Lude: no...more..foood..how can it be..?  
  
*Suddenly the cabinet doors all slam open, dishes fall out and break - chaos in the kitchen! *  
  
DoX: What's going on?!?!?!?  
  
Kitty: This doesnt seem like a rodent ..  
  
Lara: If it is, then it's one big rodent..a Nephilimillion maybe?  
  
*Suddenly, shouting is heard from upstairs.*   
  
LM: Aqua!  
  
*The Crofteers run to the main hall to find Aqua and the persian rug gone! Then lights begin to turn on upstairs, doors begin to slam, and Lude appears from nowhere mumbling to herself!*   
  
Lude: no.. coo..kiees...  
  
TRC: What's going on here?!? Is this place haunted now??  
  
*Suddenly, turnips rain from the ceiling!*  
  
DoX: What the..? 


	27. THE True Lara can translate Lude's gibbe...

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
LM:Turnips! What next.... parsnips? Maybe some carrots, and leeks and we could make a soup!   
  
Lude: *half moaned in the background* Sssoooouuuuuuupppppp.........uh!!! *thud*  
  
TTL: Later dear, later.  
  
Lara: *looking round at the turnip covered floor* Thank God Winston's not here.  
  
DoX: Erm, we still have flying dishes, turnip showers and no Aqua...  
  
TRC: Do you think it's magic? ...I saw this David Copperfield show once and....  
  
DK: Doughnuts?!  
  
TTL: No, magic! ...and anyway, it's all done with mirrors you know.  
  
TRC: *picks up a near by turnip and holding it like a looking-glass, gazes at it whilst fixing her hair*  
  
Kitty: I suppose it COULD be magic ....I mean Aqua could have vanished in that persian rug, that kind of thing happens, right?  
  
Lara: Hummm.. nice theory, but that was Cleopatra, and she appeared out of one.  
  
DK: Doughnuts?  
  
Lara: No, I doubt they're responsible either.  
  
LM: So we're now looking for a mole, whilst trying to explain the mysterious flying plates, missing Aqua, and the inexplicable disappearance of all the food in the kitchen.  
  
Lude *staggers up from the kitchen, and leans on the doorframe, clutching her stomach*.  
  
TTL: Not THAT inexplicable...   
  
Lude: *still clutching stomach* OOOWWWUUUUHHHHH!!!!!  
  
TTL: Really?  
  
Lude: ...uuuuhhhhhhhh...  
  
TTL: ...but I thought...  
  
Lude: ...oouuhhhwwwww...  
  
TTL: Oh, I see your point.  
  
TRC: *tossing the turnip aside* Can you actually understand that?  
  
TTL: Of course! She's my sister!  
  
*pause*  
  
Lara: AND... what did she say?  
  
TTL: She said that owing to the incontrollable and deeply rooted -that borders on the sociopathic- mythomanic nature, of the creature that has already been responsible for the various unsettling and unusual occurrences that have been happening here tonight...  
  
Lude: ...uuuhhoooowwuuu...  
  
TLL: Yes, I'm getting to that. ...where was I?  
  
Lude: ...uh owh.  
  
TTL: Oh, yes, you're quite right. ...that have been happening here tonight, and the fact that they are so obviously intertwined in the mythology and history of this mole, it's highly probable and quite possible that the Nephilimillion has not in fact, kept its word and left at all. And is responsible for the things we've been experiencing.  
  
LM: Surely you can't be serious?!  
  
TTL: I am serious...and don't call me Shirley.  
  
Lara: Right, so it doesn't get the message, eh? Well, I'm sure the old Uzis can be suitably persuasive...  
  
Donny: I second that! *glances at gun cupboard longingly.*  
  
TTL: Of course, it could be another Nephilimillion with it's own agenda.  
  
TRC: Or a crazed magician with nothing better to do!   
  
LM: Like, Blaine?? *sniggers quietly*  
  
TTL: True, he does have nothing better to do, but he's still under observation....  
  
Lude: Uwhn owuh!  
  
Lara: What?!  
  
TTL: No, it's not Derren Brown either, for if't twas, I would have sensed the presence of the Master... *gazes off into space*  
  
All: *confused*  
  
TTL: Eh, hem... anyway, it's not that, it's probably the Nephilimillion or a Nephilimillion.  
  
Kitty: So what exactly are we supposed to do?  
  
Lara: Well, short of making turnip stew, I don't think there's much we CAN do right now. I suggest we all rest well, and make a fresh start in the morning"  
  
DoX: And why's the N thingy still here anyway?  
  
Lara: I can only presume we've still got some clues round here that it needs to find the mole.  
  
TRC: And how are we supposed to find Aqua?  
  
Lara: *very tired now* We'll think on that in the morning.  
  
LM: And visit the factory...  
  
Lara: ...and visit the factory, yes.  
  
DK: Doughnuts?  
  
Lara: Maybe that too.  
  
Lude: ...uuuwwwhhhh... *thud*  
  
Lara: TTL...please.  
  
TTL: Absolutely. *goes over to Lude, and helps her to her feet.*  
  
Lara: Can we PLEASE go to bed now, everyone?  
  
*Grudgingly, everyone begins to trudge upstairs*  
  
Lude: *looking up at TTL* Uuuuwwh hwu oouuuuhhhh.  
  
TTL: I know, I know, I don't think they understand either.  
  
Lude: ...uh uwwh uh wwwweh...  
  
TTL: No, I don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande.  
  
*both nod gravely and pause*  
  
Lude: *looking up again* ...uh uwh ooowwwh uh wh...  
  
TTL: Yeah, I hope we find Aqua soon too. I don't like having so many lines, it's kinda weird.  
  
Lude: ...ooooooooohhhhhhhuuuwww...  
  
TTL: I'm sure we've a Mars bar stashed away for a rainy day somewhere.  
  
*Lude smiles weakly as the pair slowly stumble up the stairs behind everyone, and after a while, all becomes quiet in Croft Manor....but down in the hall something begins to move underneath the turnips......* 


	28. Agent Prelude gets a rude awakening!

DISCLAIMER:Don't own, so don't sue!  
  
(X-files style)  
  
Croft Manor 7.30 am  
  
*A cockerel is heard...*  
  
*...followed by a gun shot.*  
  
*Silence, except for the flapping of wings as birds fly from trees*  
  
*Lara knocks on a door*  
  
*DK opens the door to his bedroom*  
  
Lara: Morning DK!  
  
DK: What's that smell?  
  
Lara: 7.30!  
  
DK: *groan*  
  
Lara: Hurry up, it's time to go! By the way, do you know you have your pants on backwards?  
  
DK: *looking down* Didn't know I had any pants on......  
  
*Lara then proceeds down the hallway knocking on all the doors and calling the Crofteers*   
  
Lara:Time to go adventuring!   
  
*She meets TTL walking the other way, head in a book and still in her pajamas*  
  
Lara: Ready, TTL?  
  
TTL: Absolutely, give me 5 minutes!  
  
*Meanwhile... Downstairs, Lude is snoring loudly on top of the breakfast table, in a pile of drool, clutching an empty cookie jar. TTL wonders in and puts on the kettle. After making a pot she carefully, trying to avoid the drool, pours a cup of tea into Lude's mouth. LM then marches into the kitchen fresh from the shower and flapping her wings dry. She hooks Lude up with a morphine drip.*  
  
LM: *clapping hands proudly* There, that should do it!   
  
TTL: *tea pot in hand* LM! I'm trying to get her OFF that stuff!  
  
LM: My dear TTL, it's kinda like dropping your keys in a lava pit- forget 'em hon, they're gone. Some things are just a lost cause...  
  
*Kitty then appears through the cat flap, swishing her tail behind her and searching out some ice cream.*  
  
LM: Morning Kitty, good night on the tiles?  
  
Kitty: *kicking off shoes* Owwww...... my paws are killing me!!!  
  
Lude: *mumbling* Fobberbob bob mooooo mooch pertang zig ziig eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek  
  
TTL: *grinning* Excellent! She's coming round!   
  
*Dagger enters*  
  
DOX: Morning all!  
  
LM: Dagger, have you been up all night?  
  
DOX: Well, yeah! I didn't want to get left behind again! Plus, something was moving around down here last night - kept waking me up.  
  
TTL: It was probably Lude, although she was upstairs for most of the night...  
  
*TRC then enters the kitchen looking lovely as ever.*  
  
All:*Grin*   
  
LM: How do you do that?  
  
TRC: Ah... I have a secret!   
  
Kitty: Oh come on! Share! We're all girls here...  
  
Lude :*burp*  
  
Kitty: Well, of sorts...  
  
TRC: It's simple!  
  
*TRC gestures for the gals to come closer.*  
  
TRC: I floss!  
  
All: HUH!?   
  
*Just then, Donny joins them, dressed in black and loaded with more weapons and ammo then you could shake a stick at.*  
  
Donny: Morning ladies!  
  
Lude: *burp*  
  
Donny: ...and Lude...  
  
TTL: Well, we are all almost here, where's DK?  
  
Donny: He's having a fight with his pants.  
  
TTL: And Diva?  
  
LM: Oh, she left early, said she had to catch the shops and she would catch up later.  
  
TRC: Any news of Aqua?  
  
LM: Naaaa... that was one STRANGE night!  
  
All: *nodding in agreement* yeah...  
  
*The gang stand in silence for a moment trying to figure out if last night was just some really weird dream they had all had.*  
  
Lude: *breaking the silence, sitting bolt upright and shouting* TURNIPS! *then falling back on the breakfast table*  
  
TTL: Oh dear... we REALLY need to bring her round quicker. If only I had some bacon I could cook, that usually does it...  
  
Kitty: *licking the ice cream off her paws* Why don't you just stick her head in a bowl of water?   
  
TTL: Nah. I tried that once. She just drowns.  
  
Kitty: I was joking!   
  
*Just then the gang hear a low rumbling noise growing louder by the second. The house shakes as something flies over the top of it. The Crofteers run to the back garden just in time to see Lara landing a helicopter on the lawn!*  
  
TTL: I HATE it when she does that! Winston will NOT be pleased!  
  
LM: Well, looks like our lift is here.  
  
Donny: *snapping a magazine into his Uzi and loading it* It's about time!  
  
Kitty: Off to the factory then!  
  
Lude: *suddenly sitting up* The Factory!!! Rapunzel!   
  
*Lara bolts through the door*   
  
Lara:Right, gang! Let's go!  
  
Lude: WOOHOOOO!!!!   
  
Lara: Ahhh... erm... Lude, I have a very important job for you to do...  
  
Lude: OOOOOOooooo, are you sure ?   
  
Lara: Yes. You are the only one I can trust to do this.  
  
*The others look confused and even more so as Lara begins to lay newspaper down on the floor.*   
  
Lara: I want you to stay here, and if Aqua comes back or any of the other Crofteers I want you to bring them with you in the jeep. Got it?  
  
Lude: Bring jeep, leave others, yes got it, but you are forgetting one thing - I have the ticket to Milly Monka's Mole Factory. It's in my pocket.  
  
Lara: No,it's in mine. I took it last night.  
  
*Lude's bottom lip begins to quiver*  
  
TTL: Oh dear! Better stand clear, everyone!  
  
*Lude then begins to have the biggest tantrum in the history of all tantrums.*  
  
Lara: *sigh* Lude, GET UP!!! Alright, alright! You can come with us.  
  
Lude: *jumping to her feet* Cool! Can I fly the copter?   
  
Lara: NO!  
  
*Lude pouts*  
  
Lara: Let's go!  
  
*All the Crofteers grab their backpacks and head out to the garden as Lara fires up the engine. Just as they are taking off, DK runs out of the house and jumps into the helicopter!*  
  
Lara: *shouting over the noise of the engine* All set, DK?   
  
DK: *groans*  
  
Lara: You still have your pants on the wrong way 'round.  
  
DK: *looking down* Damn it!  
  
*Meanwhile, back in the house, all is quiet again, but it appears not empty as something is still inside, moving around...* 


	29. Kitty gets all poetic!

DISCLAIMER:Don't own, so don't sue! THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY OF "THE RAVEN" BY EDGAR ALLAN POE.  
  
*The turnips on the kitchen floor scatter as a horrid looking (OK.. For the record.. being a fly on the wall when the lights are turned off isn't as easy as you might think!) creature, that couldn't be the work of nature.. The floor glowed like it was on fire, unveiling a rift in the space-time continuum . As the bright light subsided, one could make out the silhouette of something... erm... half Persian rug, part cello, part Micheganer...Cruel mix.  
  
With a grunt and a groan it staggered towards the door leading out of the kitchen.  
  
Meanwhile, in the adjoining chamber, I think a little poetry is in order... *cough*   
  
This is the summary of the following events, as seen by Winston, who had accidentally eaten a Bakewell he found under the chair while vacuuming. Slightly drenched in morphine, but still good. Or so he thought...  
  
***********************************  
  
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,  
  
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.  
  
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door-  
  
Only this, and nothing more."  
  
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain  
  
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;  
  
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,  
  
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-  
  
Some early visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;-  
  
This it is, and nothing more."  
  
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,  
  
In there stepped a stately half Persian rug, part cello, part Micheganer of the saintly days of yore;  
  
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;  
  
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-  
  
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-  
  
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.  
  
Much I marvelled this ungainly creation to hear discourse so plainly,  
  
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being  
  
Ever yet was blest with seeing a rug above his chamber door-  
  
Chello or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,  
  
With such name as "Nevermore."  
  
But the beastie, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only  
  
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.  
  
Nothing further then he uttered- not a carpet fiber then he shedded-  
  
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "other friends have flown before-  
  
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."  
  
Then the creature said, "Nevermore."  
  
Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer  
  
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.  
  
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he hath sent thee  
  
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!  
  
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"  
  
Quoth the Hybrid, "Nevermore."  
  
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!- prophet still, if door mat or devil!-  
  
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,  
  
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-  
  
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-  
  
Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!"  
  
Quoth the half Persian Rug, part cello, part Micheganer, "Nevermore." 


	30. The Crofteers get spaced out and plan th...

DISCLAIMER:Don't own, so don't sue!   
  
*The helicopter lifts gracefully off Winston's perfectly manicured lawn with ease. Lara's mobile begins to ring.*  
  
Lara: Croft, Lara speaking!  
  
Caller: ................(I couldn't actually hear what was being said, as I was sitting a couple of seats away from Lara, well.......one side of the conversation I can relate back to you - thats all! )  
  
Lara: Hmmmm, you sure about this?  
  
Caller: ..................  
  
Lara: Yes...agreed. Thanks for the information!  
  
*A few moments of utter silence goes by... well as much silence as one can experience in a helicopter.*  
  
TTL: So???  
  
LM: A needle pulling thread??  
  
TTL: For gawd's sake LM! Can't you act your age just this once dear?  
  
LM: ooooooooeeeeeeeee touchy, touchy!!  
  
*TTL shoots LM a look that even Medusa would have been proud of.*  
  
Lara: Girls, girls please! Bickering and bitching are not qualities particularly useful to a Crofteer. Listen up everyone! Below your seats you will find spacesuits. I might suggest that it would be to your advantage to get into these garments ASAP. Lude, get your arse to the front of the cabin and demonstrate how to get those babies on! Quick, smart girl!!  
  
*Lude staggers, excuse me, WALKS GRACEFULLY, to the front of the cabin carrying her blister-packed spacesuit! She attempts to separate said suit, from said pack, without much success. After a good ten minutes of rolling around on the cabin floor wrestling the hell of the suit......................*  
  
Lude: Thats IT!!!!!  
  
Lude: Bloody thing!!!  
  
Lude: How the hell???  
  
Lude: Jezzzzzzzus Christ all bloody mighty!!!!  
  
*TTL rescues her sister from the difficulties, fastens her into her seat, applies a beer drip - (morphine drips aren't good at altitude) - and sings softly to Lude.......*  
  
TTL: All around the Mulberry Bush the monkey chased the weasel, the monkey said its only in fuuuuuuuuun - POP goes the weasel!!!!!  
  
*Everyone looks round at each other...............Kitty searches under her seat and comes up with a spacesuit, which within minutes she is wearing. This seems to jolt everyone into action, and within another few minutes everyone, including Lara, is suitably attired! Lara begins to press a few buttons, adjust a few switches, there is a shuddering from beneath the helicopter, as the metamorphisis takes place. The helicopter is transformed into a space shuttle. With a final press of a button.........warp 7 is achieved and Lara, The Crofteers, and the HMS Raider leave the earth's atmosphere.*  
  
Lara: To infinity and beyond..............to coin a phrase.  
  
*Lara winks at Donny, who is stroking his gun cache! *  
  
Lude: WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOooooooooooooooWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
  
DK: I feel sick!  
  
DOX: Does anyone know where we are going?  
  
Lara: Milly Monka and Mole Factory, of course.  
  
LM: I thought it was in Grimsby?  
  
Lara: Apparently the factory in Grimsby is just a front, something to do with the taxman... The real factory is in space.  
  
TRC: Interesting. And how do you know this, Lara?  
  
Lara: Aha, an adventurer NEVER reveals her sources!  
  
*Lude begins to hear spacey music in her head*  
  
Lude: Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship HSM Raider, on it's continuing mission to seek out lost moles...  
  
TRC: So where exactly is it then??  
  
Lude: *now switching to Star Wars mode* It's on Alderaan!  
  
TTL: No Lude dear, remember, Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star.  
  
Lude: Oh yes, it was like a million voices cried out in pain and were then suddenly silenced... *suddenly getting very excited* I hope it's on Endor, such a nice place!!  
  
Lara: It's on Jupiter.   
  
DOX: Isn't it cold there? *shivers*  
  
Kitty: Actually that's a myth. The planet radiates twice as much heat as it absorbs from the sun. It also has an extremely strong magnetic field.  
  
TRC: Wow, Kitty! I didn't know you were a space cat!  
  
Kitty: *proudly* Of course!  
  
*Meanwhile Lude is struggling to open a packet of peanuts. After about 10 minutes DK can't stand it any longer and grabs the bag, ripping it open and spilling peanuts all over the cabin.*  
  
Lude: The force is strong with you, but you must learn to control your feelings, hatred... aggression... the dark side are these.  
  
DK: Why don't-  
  
Lude: No, no there is no why, no more will you learn today!   
  
Lara: Ok, we are here!  
  
LM: That was quick!  
  
DOX: I didn't even see Mars.  
  
*Meanwhile on the planet's surface*  
  
Unknown Person: Where is that shuttle heading?  
  
Unknown minion: To the factory...  
  
Unknown Person: Do they have a clearance code?  
  
Unknown minion: Yes, it's an old code but it checks out. I was just about to clear them.  
  
Unknown Person: Allow them to land. Have a team monitor them and inform me of anything strange.  
  
Unknown minion: Yes, sir!  
  
*Back on board*  
  
Unknown Voice: Shuttle HSM Raider, you are cleared for landing on the south platform.  
  
TRC: How did you-?!  
  
Lara: Aha!  
  
All: Yes, we know... an adventure never reveals her sources.  
  
TTL: I sense a presence I haven't felt since- Lude, I shouldn't have come, I'm endangering the mission!  
  
Lude: Nonsense, you just need a cup of tea, that's all.  
  
*HMS Raider lands and the group debark through a tunnel and enter a large domed station.*  
  
Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'The red zone is for stopping only. The white zone is for short term parking.'  
  
Loud speaker: *woman's voice* 'The WHITE zone is for stopping only. The RED zone is for short term parking'  
  
Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'No, the RED zone is for stopping only. the WHITE zone is for short term parking!'  
  
Loud speaker: *woman's voice* 'Not this again, do we have to argue about everything?!'  
  
Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'Well if you would stop leaving the toilet seat up, maybe things would be better!'  
  
*The gang leave the station, after Kitty has stopped to buy ice cream. They continue through a secession of tunnels and doors, Lude makes a 'SHUSH' sound every time they pass through a door, eventually they approach the huge entrance gates of the factory and are greeted by a burley ticket man in a brown uniform and mole shaped hat.*  
  
Lara: *to the Crofteers* I'll handle this!  
  
Ticketman: *with a grin* Morning folks, and welcome to Milly Monka's Mole Factory, where fun is to be had by all, all year round, we hope you enjoy your stay, please stay away from areas where it's says you shouldn't be and pay attention to the safety rules at all times, we want you to enjoy your stay and come back to us soon not end up mashed to bits in the many large and fascinating machinery we have in the factory and flashed out into space with no word of what happened to you to your families, Milly Monka would like to take this opportunity to advise you he is not responsible for any limbs you may lose whilst inside the factory or any abduction or disintegration by alien species...   
  
Lara: Erm...morning?  
  
Ticketman: Are you the party of outpatients from the Mental Health Clinic?  
  
Lara: *offended* NO!  
  
Ticketman: Oh sorry, can I see your tickets then please  
  
*Lara hands ticket over*  
  
Ticketman: *looking at the ticket and then at the group* This is your ticket?  
  
Lude: *blurting out* Actually it's mine, she stole it from me!  
  
Ticketman: This ticket is 2 years old!  
  
Lude: What! *snatching back and examining it* Damn it and I swapped it for my magic beans!   
  
TTL: *matter of fact* I told you never to trust anyone who doesn't have a face!  
  
Lude: But he had a puppy...  
  
TTL: Oh well can't argue with that.  
  
Ticketman: And all of you were planning to get in on this one ticket?  
  
Lude: Well you see, Lara is my legal guardian so she has to come with me, TTL is my interrupter amongst other things, LM administers my medication, DK is my inspiration is the dark hours and he has donuts, Kitty is-  
  
Ticketman: What funny names you all have!  
  
TTL: Look who's talking! *reading name badge* John!  
  
Lude: Yeah John!  
  
LM: Yeah what kind of a name is John anyway?  
  
DK: Look I'm sure we can settle this like sensible mature adults isn't that right, Mr Poopy Pants!   
  
DOX: Alright, alright listen my good man, this can either work two ways, either you can let us in, or I can get TRC here to punch you and knock you unconscious and we go in anyway.  
  
*TRC blows on fist and rubs it against chest*  
  
LM: The choice is yours  
  
*Lude starts making cheesy show game music and going a game show girl thing round TRC*  
  
Kitty: *joining in, in game show host voice* So which will it be, will you choose a delightful punch in the face by the very lovely TRC, shown here by one of our show girls *Lude does actions* Or will he choose today's wild card and take the chance of letting us in? *Lude makes ticking noise* Oooo time is running out *Lude makes gong noise* That's it, time's up, whats it gonna be? *Holding fake mic towards the Ticketman for an answer*  
  
Ticketman: Are you guys sure you're not from the Mental Health Clinic?  
  
Lara: Noooooooooooyyyyyyyeeeeees, Yes! Yes we are *thinking quickly and whispering to John the ticketman* I don't like to say that in front of them, they think they are normal you see  
  
John: Ah I see, so you must be... *looking at clipboard* Nurse Fiddlewick?  
  
ALL: BHAHAHHAHAAAHHA!!! *pointing and laughing at Lara*  
  
Lara: Oh please not the thing about my name…again!  
  
John: OK, well here are your information packs, please make yourself aware of the safety procedures, *hands a pack to each of the Crofteers and stamps the back of their hand with Milly Monka's Mole Factory admitted stamp* Please make your way down the path and to the right where you will meet with your guide.  
  
TTL: Oooo a guide, what does he look like?  
  
John: Ohh erm well he has a moustache, about 6 foot 3...  
  
Lude: Wow that's an awfully big moustache!  
  
DK: Do you make donuts here?  
  
John: We make- *spotting Donny* Sorry son, no guns allowed inside the factory.  
  
Lara: Oh don't worry about that, they are not real, *whispering* you take can't them off him, he thinks he is still in the war you see.  
  
John: Ahhh over Macho Grande?  
  
TTL: Noooo... don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande!  
  
TTL & Lude: BWHAHAHAHAH !!   
  
John: Riiiight *making mental sign to Lara who nods*  
  
DK: Do you make donuts here?   
  
*Lude is now emptying the contents of her Milly Monka's Mole Factory information pack out*  
  
Lude: Is there any food in here?  
  
John: No  
  
Lude: Is there any beer in here?  
  
John: No  
  
Lara: *to John* Have those bags got warnings on them about not sticking them over your head?  
  
John: Erm I don't think so...  
  
Lara: *Snatching bag off of Lude* I'll take that, thank you, we don't need another episode of you suffocating yourself again   
  
John then stamps TRC's hand with the Milly Monka and Mole Factory admitted stamp, who in avertedly faster then lighting punches him square in the jaw, knocking him flat.  
  
All:OW.   
  
TRC: Oops sorry, reflex action.  
  
Lara: *shrugs* Works for me!  
  
*The Crofteers proceed into the Factory.*   
  
*They look around in awe at the splendid factory atrium.*  
  
Lude: Wow....look! A broom with no bristles but green things. I wonder if I can eat those?!  
  
TTL: What do I tell you every time? That's a TREE, Lude.  
  
Lude: Treelude...is that like the third part of a trilogy?  
  
Lara: I've always heard the rumors of the magnificence of this factory! I never thought they were true though.  
  
*Overhead the famous moley mole mole birds fly.*  
  
Lude: Flying food!   
  
Lara: The Moley Mole Mole Birds...Milly Monka must be close by.  
  
Unknown man: Actually Sir Monka is away on business this week. He's in the Pocconos.  
  
Lude: No you can't poke my nose! That's not nice! Get over here! Yeah! How do you like them donuts?!? Lude.....just being Lude thinks she's kicking the unknown man, but is actually attacking a tree Yeah! Take that! You treeludish looking man! Ah ha!  
  
DK: Did someone say donuts?  
  
Lara: And just who might you be?  
  
Unknown man: Oh, yes how could I forget. My name is John II. I'm your tour guide. And you are...?  
  
Lara: I am Lara Croft, and these are my frien......psychopaths.   
  
John II: Well nice to meet you John III.   
  
DK: Well that's a weird way to say Lara.  
  
John II: Are you doubting me John IV?  
  
TTL: *under breath* This man is crazier than Lude!  
  
Lude: *with her superhearing* NO!! No one is crazier than be I!   
  
Lara: Well then, John II, putting this whole issue of how complex our names are, where are you going to take us?  
  
John II: Excellent question, John III. I'm taking you all on a tour of course.  
  
TTL: Right, he's a tour guide in all....  
  
John II: I don't like your sarcasm John V. Your insolence requires that you are now called Bob.  
  
Lude: No! I want to be Bob!   
  
John II: Alright, you can be Bobert.  
  
Lude: What the hell kind of name is THAT? I'm no redneck!!   
  
Lara: We are getting nowhere fast...  
  
TTL: I heartily agree.  
  
DK: *cough*Suck up!*cough cough*  
  
Lara: Has anyone else noticed that our guide has started to leave without us?  
  
John II: Hurry up you lot! Or you're going to miss the mating rituals of the Gimpy Limpies.   
  
Lude: Gimpy Limpy? Hey DK isn't that your nickna...  
  
DK: Lude, shut up now or so help me....  
  
*The Crofteers all pile onto the boat to take them down the Magical Moley River to the village of the Gimpy Limpies.*  
  
TTL: tripping and falling down Hey! Wait for me!!  
  
*Just then a Moley Mole Mole Bird swoops down and grabs TTL by her hair and takes off flying again.*  
  
TTL: LUDE!!!! Save me!!!!  
  
Lude: Just call me Bobert!  
  
TTL: Oh for the love of....Bobert!! Save me!!!  
  
*Will Bobert be able to save Bob from the Moley Mole Mole Bird? Why is DK called the Gimpy Limpy? Why does the tour guide insist on calling everyone John? What has become of Aqua? Has Richard Simmons killed him and rolled him up in a rug? Find out all this and more on the next issue of The Quest for the Mole! *   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*Donny quickly runs of behind a machine and takes out the sniper rifle.*  
  
(Talking to himself)  
  
Donny: Now, let's get TTL down!  
  
*Donny aims for the inside of the left leg of the Moley Mole Mole Bird to somewhat hide the bullet wound.*  
  
Donny: Got a clean shot!  
  
Lara: Donny! What the HELL do you think you're doing?  
  
Donny: Saving TTL...  
  
Lara: By shooting the Moley Mole Mole Bird?  
  
Donny: Whatever it takes!  
  
Lara: I thought it was suspicious when I saw you sneaking out!  
  
Donny: Did any of the guards see me?  
  
Lara: Don't think so...  
  
Donny: Good, 'cause we don't want the guards to know these guns are real!  
  
Lara: Oh they won't know, cuz you ain't gonna shoot!  
  
Donny: Aww c'mon Lara! Do you know a better way of getting TTL down?  
  
Lara: Well, don't you have any tranquilisers in there?  
  
Donny: Forgot to pack them....  
  
Lara: Urgh! You bring a whip, but you forget tranquilisers!  
  
Donny: You know Lara, this sure brings back memories, hiding like this.... *winks at lara*  
  
Lara: Do that again and you'll be ogling me though one eye!  
  
Donny: Aww, don't say you forgot the time when-  
  
*Lara punches him in the eye*  
  
Lara: I warned you not to go there!  
  
Donny: Ok, ok! Now let me shoot the bird!  
  
Lara: Well, don't see any other way...  
  
Donny: YESSSS!  
  
*Donny gets ready to fire, he aims for the bird and shoots... BANG!*  
  
Lara: Donny!!! You IDIOT!  
  
Donny: Damn, forgot to put the silencer on the sniper rifle!  
  
*The rest of the Crofteers come running towards Lara and Donny to see what happened...*   
  
Kitty: *slightly out of breath due to excessive amounts of ice cream making her a bit soggy around the mid section* I heard gun fire!! Where's the action?? Any casualties??  
  
Lara: Nope... Just Donny going all Neo on us.  
  
Kitty: Ooooo!! Can I go all Trinity on ya?? Huh?? Can I??   
  
All: NO!!  
  
*Kitty pouts*  
  
TTL: So where do we go to find this mole, people? I saw some offices down the hall before the shots went off and ruined our recon. The lights were off, though.  
  
TRChick: Yeah! Offices are always filled with secret stuff, right? Quite possibly a computer too, so we can hack into the mainframe and pull the files on all the moles here!  
  
LM: Yeah! A task worthy of the Crofteers, methinks. We can use the ventilation shaft to break in and avoid detection..  
  
Lude: I could swear I smelled some donuts on the way in..  
  
TTL: Great, sis! You create a diversion. We'll send Kitty into the ventilation systems.  
  
Kitty: Me?? Why me??  
  
TTL: You're the one with the feline genes in the group.. You should be able to make it through there in no time!   
  
Kitty: *looking a little sceptical as she examines the route* Hmmm.... It just might work.. But I'll need someone on the outside to guide me through the computer system.  
  
LM: DK'll do it! He's good with puters.  
  
Lara: That settles it, then! We let the cat out of the bag and into the ventilation ducts!  
  
*Kitty gets the night vision goggles and rope out, ready for action. The Crofteers find an entrance to the shafts not far from the offices. They open the grate, and the podgy feline slinks into the shadows. The grate gets closed behind her, to cover their tracks*  
  
LM: Don't worry, we've got ya on the radio.. I'll be on Channel 4..  
  
Kitty: *mutters* There is no spoon.. *and lowers herself into the office room below*  
  
*Outside, the rest of the crofteers wait patiently for Kitty to get back as a shadow creeps up from behind them..*  
  
Unknown character with booming voice: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, THEN??? 


End file.
